Ragtime/Pitstop

I think the new theme to this blog should be "There is a movie on and it has 15 percent of my attention, the other 85 percent of my attention is writing this blog about how the other 15 percent of my attention is being used."

Recently I saw the musical Ragtime at a dinner theater. Apparently dinner theater is something for homeless people to enjoy and not a respectable job. I disagree! We went to a great dinner theater spot that I've been to a few times before and we had a good time. Decent food. Great 'talent'. Long show. You know, normal musical theater stuff.

Let me be clear, I've never been into live shows, musicals, live music. I've never been interested it, in fact, I've always aired on the side of hating it. Especially musicals, I have a strong distaste for musicals. I saw RENT and burned down the movie theater on my way out (R.I.P. everyone). I watched Les Miserables and threw both my TV and the DVD player out of the 3rd story window. I saw a poster board for Dreamgirls one time and I pulled my eyes out of my head. Right there in the street.

You get the point. Not a fan. We saw Ragtime and I actually kind of enjoyed myself! I confused two of the lead African-American actresses a few times and felt very racists, but otherwise, enjoyable! One complaint, very long. I think it was actually 2 1/2-3 hours, but it felt like we were in those seats for 2 full days. Like after watching Titanic for the second time. The first time you're like, "Wow! Boats! Boobs!" But then the second time you're like, "Okay Leo, we all know you're going to die. Nice boobs Rose". And then the credits roll and you've missed your birthday and 30 missed calls from your job asking why you weren't there all week. We've all been there.

So yeah, Ragtime. It made me not swear off musicals!
"You're welcome gays!" - is what the musical would say if it were a politically incorrect person. Or a person at all.

My next point is that I've pretty much sworn off gay movies. (Full circle?) Brokeback Mountain was great. Don't get me wrong. And then there was this movie called Gayby which was pretty hysterical. Other than that everything else is a massive campy disaster.

As I'm writing, my fiance is watching something called Pitstop which was apparently at Sundance, which gives it a grain of credibility. It's about 2 gay guys and a bunch of straight people. So far I can only tell that everyone is very upset with each other. No one really wants to talk and there are a lot of crickets in the background. They put the crickets in themselves!! Anyway. The movie probably isn't terrible, but I just don't want to watch it. And not because I'm not in the mood to watch a movie. But I  don't want to watch a really slow paced movie about complicated relationships, gay people, and crickets. Call me racist, call me prejudice, call me maybe! No, don't call me.

Okay well that's it! I don't know what else to say. I don't even know what I was saying to begin with!

Love, peace and crickets,

Database.

Bob's Burgers

I know we said I was going to review movies and all that, but hey. Shut up.

Bob's Burgers is such a great show. You have a variety of different types of humor all balled up into one horribly drawn cartoon.

I was just rewatching Season 2 for the 70th time and still laughed when Bob told a customer he had dead eyes.

I was having this weird internal conflict this morning about the post a wrote yesterday or whenever about Wolverine. It occurred to me that I have not actually see the movie 'The Wolverine', or at least not the one that was based in China or Mongolia or wherever. I was basically just angry that they not only make him the main character of the series, but then two separate films about him. The first one was horrible! The one with Sabertooth? C'mon Liev Schreiber. You look ridiculous.

Speaking of looking ridiculous, I have not had to time to, nor the money, to pay to go to the barber shop! So basically I take a 'men's grooming kit' which I found in a bathroom. So basically I look like a ferret. As if I didn't start out that way.

What else, what else, what else... I was on the phone with a customer and my very loud dog came over to me, sat at my feet for a minute and started barking his head off. Not only did he startle me, but the woman almost hung up the phone. We ended up laughing about it and she made some off hand comment about how horrible her children are and that I shouldn't buy one. Whatever. I closed the sale, Maybe loud barking is some sort of panic indicator for people to spend large amounts of money.

Here in New York we were having odd weather. We have enough odd things going on here, the last thing we need is mother nature meddling in with our business. Two days of 50 degree weather, finished with sub zero rain and snow nightmare. Someone's fucking with us aren't they? It feels like the weather gods have this weird plan where we never actually get to see Spring and it shifts straight into Summer and there is some sort of massive pile up of people all trying to get their air conditioning units out of storage at the same time. It's kind of like World War Z, except with people carrying air conditioners, in place of zombies and it's Africa hot outside.

Anyone out there that's ever been a server at a restaurant probably has had a 'server nightmare'. It's kind of like you're at work, and no one else showed up, but you have a full restaurant to take care of, and all the food is cold and you can't find ice. You keep forgetting orders and keep apologizing to people for everything being horrible only to look down and you're naked. Then you wake up thinking ' OMG what a crazy dream! I can't wait to tell my other server friends' or 'OMG my life is terrible!' or 'OMG I shit the bed!'.

Dreams are weird. I had a dream the other night that I was explaining different textures of a wall to a customer (who IRL I'd spoken to on the phone but never in person who was a real life nightmare him/her self) and every time i touched the wall to explain what I was talking about the texted changed and I would have to go back and start the explanation over again. If that were how my appointments went IRL, I think that would be great! 'Hey! your texture is bumpy but if I touch it enough maybe it will end up flat and then I won't have to explain to a grown adult what texture on a wall is!' But no. People don't know that their walls aren't completely flat. Like the Earth? Amirite Columbus? Galileo? Who else was on board with the flat earth idea?

This goes down in history as my worst post.

Talk to you never

Database.

A little vent, for a little boy

So here I am to vent.

I just spent about 2 hours of my time trying to figure out how something stupid and technologically complicated that I thought would be pretty simple.

I imagine myself to be pretty tech savvy for the most part, I mean, I have a blog for Christ's sake! (ha.)

When I click on an email, I want gmail to open and I can send one from there, I don't want some stupid other program popping up trying to send it for me. GOSH.

So to conclude, I spent two hours that I probably should have spent working (eating), on trying to do that without succeeding. Go me!

If anyone is willing to help, you can find my computer out in the street where I threw it from my apartment window.

Thanks!



In movie news, The X-Men Days of Future Past or whatever looks incredible. They always took a very serious dramatic tome with their movies, but always managed to have a comic book esque feel to it. This one looks like a real drama! From the 2 minute clip I saw, I'm going to wildly assume that it will win every oscar next year and the year following. Best of luck to you Bryan Singer and Wolverine!

BTW Please don't make this movie about Wolverine. I can't take it anymore.

If you already have, Bryan, fix it. We want more Rogue! More Beast! More Calypso! (No?) More Shadowcat and Blink! Girl power! Right? Right.

----------------------

Does anyone watch Downton Abbey? Silly question. Everyone does. That's how we all started drinking tea!

Downtown Abbey has had 4 boring yet amazing seasons, and they are scheduled for another one! However, they don't come out for another year! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?

"Hey! I hope you love our show! We'll be back in a year! Don't forget to care how much a bitch Mary is or how disappointed Cora is or how half the cast died last year!"


So I'm just a little annoyed with everyone right now. Especially you, Wolverine. Put those claws away and lets discuss this like human beings.


Ugh,

Database.

New Post! 2014! Woo!

I know what you've all been thinking! How much you've missed my insane posts. All of you have missed it. Every single none of you.

I kind of forgot that used to write these posts. My theme seemed to be watching a movie, drinking and drawing attention to the self-awareness that no one reads this. Genius!

There are probably a billion blogs just like this!

So a lot has changed since the last time I wrote. Let me give you a quick run down of everything:

1. Broke up with older boyfriend and moved back to NYC.
2. Met someone who I then magically transformed into my fiance.
3. Got a job as a project manager for a contracting company.

That pretty much sums it up. As you're probably assuming, they were the three easiest things imaginable to do (SARCASM!)

In less than a month I leave for Disney with my fiance, which was a very wise financial decision. To go from making bank at a steakhouse to making training salary for a month, which is basically one step above a handshake and a smile, was not the ideal situation for going to Disney World. We didn't think it through, but then again, we don't seem to think anything through. Speaking of rush decisions and being insufficiently financed for large expenses, we're getting married in October!

Until we leave for Disney, we're not drinking alcohol. This is going to be hard. Pray for me. That I may accidentally spill an entire bottle of whiskey in my mouth, or die.

So in the off chance that I get to watch a movie by myself (because heaven forbid I do this crazy thing while watching a movie with anyone), it will be less fun because I won't be headed in a downward spiral of drinking.

A quick recap of fun things I've watched in a last year (which is basically the last month because my memory is ruined forever)

I watched Blue Jasmine with Cate Blanchett. It was very well done, and sadly reminded me of someone that I know and am related to. A lot of very scary similarities.  It's essentially a movie about a woman who was a horrible selfish moron/bitch who had a lot of money and was married to Alec Baldwin, and then lost him and all her money to jail, as most people do. She had a nervous breakdown and sadly became a horrible selfish moron/bitch with a large undertone of crazy. The movie really got you to think, but all I could really think about was: I hate her.

I saw Frozen! I loved it. I watched it in the theatre. Then again at home and then again at home. I've even found myself telling people to Let It Go and then smile weirdly a them. They never understand. They usually ask me to leave.

Frozen (in case you haven't seen it) is a Disney retelling of the Snow Queen. There is a lot of singing and her sister as a little bit of a ditze (sp?) and they completely blow your mind by redefining true love. Also, talking snowman. Also, Giant playful reindeer.

I've watch, like, 10 Disney animation films recently to get myself in the spirit for Disney (as if that isn't the easiest thing) including, but not limited to The Little Mermaid, Mulan, Up, Finding Nemo, Brave, WALL-E, Hercules, Tangled, Pocahontas, and Scandal.

So maybe it was just 9, but I have been keeping up with Scandal. We want to like you Mellie! but we don't Team Olivia!

I watched Captain Philips! Great movie, Great Tom Hanks, Great Ethiopian.

Gravity. 100 panic attacks per scene, totally worth it. I hate space too Sandy.

The Oscars (kind of a movie), Ellen was hysterical, as planned.  I loved when she was like "You went to college right Amy Adams? No? Oh... well thats fine" Or when Jared Leto donated his little golden statue to Ukraine and Venezuela. And they both texted him back 'thnx its jst wut we wantd".

The Wolf of Wall Street, no thank you.

American Hustle, 12 Years a Slave, and Dallas Buyers Club: all very good.

Now so far my favorite is 'her' out of all the major nominees. I once fell in love with a bowl of ramen, so the story really spoke to me about a man falling in love with a computer program. I watched the movie with my fiance, and we both got two very different feelings on the movie. I was all 'aww baby that's so sweet' and he was all 'babe this is really creepy and stop touching me' so maybe this movie isn't for everything. I definitely think that it was romantic in a very quirky way if you buy into the love affair. I also have promised myself that I will memorize The Moon Song so I can sing it to my children someday. If you haven't heard it, well you should. Because you're a monster if you haven't heard it.

That pretty much wraps up where I am with my life in terms of movies.

As for alcohol...


I used to drink only Jack and coke. Then I cut out the mediator and went straight to Jack. Then I upgraded to Makers Mark. And then I became an alcoholic! Life is fun.

So once I get back into the swing of this, we'll have a lot of fun.

You've probably noticed there is an odd picture of me that I haven't made any mention to. I was a leprechaun for Halloween. No questions please.

Love you,

Database.

The Silence of the Lambs

FINALLY watching Silence of the Lambs.

So if she figures out inner peace, then there is silence of those lambs? Why were they crying in the first place? I'm still watching the movie so maybe they explain why there are in the first place. Either way, if you put the movie on mute, it makes no sense. Who'da thought. I've kinda been eating and drinking throughout the movie so I don't have a full grasp on why Jodie Foster matters, but I'm gathering by the end of the movie she'll kill the cannibal and win an oscar 20 years ago.

I'm fully aware that no one reads this blog. It's kind of why I love the blog in the first place. I don't have to appeal to anyone! I don't have the check my spelling or read the entries over the ensure that I've made sense. I don't want to make sense! Or need to make sense! Point is, when I get a tattoo, I keep it a secret. i don't know why. I feel that a tattoo is something sacred and you keep it to yourself. If you show everyone and tell everyone about it, it's like you got it to show it off rather than for yourself. And I feel that if I tell anyone about my tattoo, EVEN IF THEY ASK ABOUT IT, I'll deny it and ignore them and remind them that they are lonely. Mostly.

So I've been with my boyfriend for some time now. It feels like DAYS!, no..... WEEKS. and finally, we took that step in tattooing each other's names into each others' legs. If that is a thing. Now, you realize tattoos are forever, right? well, he is forever. In terms of human lifespan, of course. I would like my readers to be aware of how much I have drank tonight. I have drank a lot.  much Jack Daniels. When I die, or are forced into rehab, Jack Daniels with go bankrupt. Sorry to hear that.

It's weird to watch a fairly old movie and hear the famous quotes from that movie in its original context. Especially when you've never seen the movie before. I've seen Star Wars a million times so when Family Guy and Robot Chicken started making fun of it, I had already understood it from it's source material, rather than popular culture references. So when the gross dude said 'it puts the lotion on the skin unless it gets the hose again' I got it! I totally get it! I don't get it, the movie isn't over and Ted Levine isn't dead, so whatever. I like to think that classic movies that are supposedly excellent  don't have people in it that are unbelievable. I don't mean unbelievable  in the irrational sense, like 'this Coq au Vin is unbelievable!', more like, 'your story is unbelievable, Lindsay Lohan, you are now charged with everything.'

But the girl lock in the well or wherever is unbelievable. Shut up and stop calling your rescuer 'a fucking bitch'. If I was Jodie Foster, I would have been like 'whatever, put the lotion on, and have your skin become a dress for Mr. Levine." (barf)

If you didn't understand the point of the story, Jodie Foster gets a tattoo of my boyfriend's name on her leg and I end up marrying Hannibal Lector? I thought there was a part where some guy at a table has his brain exposed, but maybe that's the sequel. I'm gonna go back to drinking JD, if you care to love me, then love me.

Love you, beat it.

Database.

The Fall & Killer at Large

The Fall is just the best movie. Aside from a ton of other movies that have a well put together plot and make more sense. It is generally a very good movie. It's one of those movies that is very visually stimulating, so stimulating that you completely don't understand what the story is about. And it doesn't matter! Who cares!? Lee Pace cares, that little girl cares, but they were there so they know what's happening.

I've seen that movie a million times, and I was recovering from diarrhea-inducing amusement park food, so I threw on a movie. But my boyfriend threw on Killer at Large, a documentary about obesity in America. I didn't ask why he picked that one, but I'm guessing it had something to do with the people at the amusement park. I mean, these people were uniformly overweight and disgusting. It obviously had a lot to do with how hot it was, but more-so about how significantly overweight everyone was, and in a bathing suit.

A saw a boy who was about 7 years old and and roughly my weight. I felt terrible for him. I felt even worse when his dearest mommy bought him a pile of candy and deep fried everything. Gross. He has no chance in life to not have rickets or diabetes.

So this documentary was beyond low budget, but was very informative when it came to telling me how fat everyone can be and how it's the government's fault. I get the argument that other people should be responsible for your children. But I more believe in the argument that you should be responsible for your own children. I don't have kids. But my parents did! And the three of us went to a shitty public school, where they offered awful food. We got voted worst public food in the state and I'm pretty sure that included the jails. Point is, yes there were definitely fat people at my high school, and some of them should have put down the fork (shovel), but the three of us are in great shape.

Our parents fed us every night a great healthy meal, and made sure there was left-overs if they weren't able to cook. They didn't leave a pile of candy on the table with a note saying "we went to McDonalds to pick up dinner, so this is to hold you over till we get home". No, parents need to stop feeding their kids garbage. If you're not in the position to feed your kids or control what they eat, it's called not being a parent. So it's one or the other, people.

I never realized how many unfit parents there are, but go to Six Flags on a summer holiday. It's like a magnet for these people. I saw this mom ask her 3 year old 'what the fuck his problem was' when he got too excited AT A THEME PARK. If I had kids, I would be anything but surprised if my child got excited over being at Six Flags. In fact I'd be more apt to ask him what his problem was if he was all mellow and boring. Go nuts mini-me! Go run senselessly into a stranger's crotch by accident! Yell at the worker to let you on the roller coaster even though you're 1/4 of an inch too short! Tell me how much you love me more than your biological parents! But no.

So to all of you seven readers who accidentally clicked on this site thinking it was porn, tell all your amusement park frequenters that they're more than likely bad parent, or overweight. Or nothing, whatever.

Don't forget to reblog or comment, or both, or just watch Parks and Recreation. It's all the same to me.

Love,

Database.

Park and Recreation

This is only titled Parks and Recreation, because that's what I'm watching right now. Which if you haven't been reading my blog regularly, which you should be, you'd find that I often will start with telling you what I'm watching and then drift off into random mindless nonsense. You love it though. That's why you're here.

So Parks and Rec is amazing. I've seen every episode about 45 times and memorized every line and miraculously still manage to have a healthy relationship, and a job. I'm watching season 3 episode 1 (maybe) where Leslie makes Anne Perkins go on a date with Chris (Adam Lowe) and then Chris cries, so they start to plan the Harvest Festival. Very good build up to the Festival. Very festive. Very harvest. I love every character in this show. From April and Ron who are the best by any standard, to Jean-Ralphio and Joan Callamezzo.

So this weekend is Memorial Day, which is no different to me than just having a Monday off for no reason. So far this weekend I've worked at my restaurant and was there till midnight and then went out with some coworkers and got drunk and ended up talking about my cats like they're people. The usual Friday night. Saturday night, I went to a party with my boyfriend and then had to leave early so that I could work at some sort of bar where people go to really 'be themselves'. I had to wear a singlet, because it was wrestling night. It was less than flattering. It wouldn't be so bad if I looked like this guy did in it. Regardless, it would be nice if it payed off and the dudes piled into the bar and threw money at us, but that wasn't the case. The only pile was three guys who had some serious thing for rubbing each others' backs and arms. That seemed to work out for them in the end. Maybe.

So back to Parks and Recreation, they are starting to put on the Harvest Festival and Leslie and Ben are starting to realize they love each other or whatever. They put all sort of weird hard work into the Harvest Festival, but it pays off for them, big time! But Tommy and I put in weird hard work at the bar and we didn't get much in return. Well not hard work but definitely weird. I felt like I was working in a leotard and I was a beautiful spandex butterfly in My Fair Lady. See how everything comes together? See how being humiliated in a spandex sex/wrestling outfit can so easily come together with a fictional festival that saves the city of Pawnee's Parks department? EASY.

So I have off tomorrow, because a.) It's Memorial Day, and b.) I don't work at a 9-5 job and often have Mondays off. Tomorrow, I plan to spend the day with my boyfriend getting a sunburn and getting lost somewhere on the coast of CT wondering why my phone is dead and how the fuck am I supposed to find my way home.

Help.

Love

Database.